Her hand stayed

Filing again. I stood in the gym and asked Danny to file a breach on Lou Cassar's name like it was a phone complaint all over again. Same envelope, different paper. I am not built for this part of the job. I am built to hit pads and not get hit back. Everything else I keep doing wrong.

Jules's hand was on my forearm when they shot it through the window. I knew because I felt her fingers shift the second the shutter went — that tiny flinch, the body knowing before the brain. She didn't take her hand off. I didn't take mine off the pad. We stood there like the camera was the bell and we were waiting for the round to start. When I looked at the still on Lou's feed later I thought: that's not how you'd hold a cutwoman. That's how you'd hold someone you wanted to be in your corner. I'm not going to write that sentence again.

Carly made dinner and we talked about Zoe's new place. Spring air coming in the back door. Ankle still taped under my trackies. She put her hand on my shoulder when it clicked, and I thought about the other shoulder, the one Jules's was leaning into this morning for one breath, and I hated myself for thinking it. Hated it the way you hate the last rep on a heavy day — because you know you earned it by not quitting the one before.